I spend most of my day during the week sitting down. In class, on the bus, in front of my computer, in the coffee shop, in front of my computer, in front of my computer. I repeat, in front of my computer.
This past Saturday I was invited to be a guest performer at the Herberger Theater's Young Artist Competition. It was the first time I'd been on a stage since June, and the first time I'd been on that particular stage since last March. I selected and memorized my monologue ("Request Stop" by Pinter) the day of the competition. I did not get enough sleep, I completely stressed out about it. I walked out onto that stage, began the monologue, and completely choked. That. Had. Never. Happened. To. Me. Before. I forgot a huge chunk of the monologue, but still managed to make it through. All I can say is thank goodness Pinter loves pauses. Long story short, it probably wasn't as bad as I made it out to be in my own head. I felt, as I walked on stage and started to perform, that I wasn't really there. I felt like I was in a memory, seeing myself on stage. There was a disconnect in my body. I was there physically, but completely absent mentally. It was terrifying. Only, I didn't feel scared. I felt...apathetic. I literally felt that, at any moment, I could stop, jump out into the audience and crowd-surf my way to glory because it was just a dream anyway. It literally felt like I was in a dream.
Talk about scary.
Sir Derek Jacobi actually told me (and I say me meaning myself and 100 other drama students that were in his master class) that every actor will, at some point in their career, have a moment like that. It happened to him on the final performance of a world tour of "Hamlet." It was his 500th performance as the prince of Denmark, and right before "What a piece of work is a man" speech, he completely blanked. He couldn't remember his lines, after 499 performances. He questioned himself and his own abilities to perform. He went onstage and performed the monologue practically from muscle memory. After that performance, he was so completely shell-shocked he took a 3 year sabbatical from theater. It was only after the Royal Shakespeare Company offered him two irresistible parts that he returned to acting.
It's that tiny seed of self-doubt that we plant in ourselves that can completely consume us, override our confidence, and completely suck us dry.
You're up there, under the hot, white lamps, the egg-shaped shadows of two hundred heads barely visible beyond the glare of the spotlight.
I attribute this moment of mental vacuity to lack of preparation, lack of sleep, and lack of mental stimulation. The first two of that list are usually things that don't affect me when it comes to performing. No matter how tired I am, when it comes to performance, I'm always on. Always. And, not to brag, but I memorize things really, really quickly. It took me ten minutes to memorize my monologue. I just psyched myself out.
Over the past eight months I have been at journalism school. And it's been..less than stimulating. I find myself aching to have time to read a good book, to play my guitar, to write a creative story, to sing, to pick apart a new monologue. No such time is to be found, I'm afraid. Whenever I do get a spare couple of hours I usually spend it sleeping, doing homework, or numbing my brain with pointless social networking websites. I think I've actually gotten dumber.
I can't handle it anymore. I'm so glad I changed my major.
Oh, I've got a call-back for a commercial tomorrow! I have to bring 3 outfits I think a domestic housewife would wear. So...suggestions? :)
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