Being a Person.

Do you want to know something I'm learning?

You have to be happy. You can't just react to life. If you're not happy with where you live, what you're wearing, how you're spending your time, what people are in your life on a regular basis, you can change it. You don't just have to take it. Sure, there's a balance. I'm not saying be high maintenance. But, be a little high maintenance. You're a person too, damnit, and you have the right to live your life. I am learning how to be a person that takes up space in the world.

Find what makes you happy. And go get it. Sometimes it's as simple as saying, "No, I can't cover for you today, I have a life outside of work." Sometimes it means putting on your favorite music. Sometimes it means turning off your music. Sometimes it means plugging into the world. Sometimes it means getting unplugged. Whatever the case may be, you have to live the life you want to live.

I am working two jobs in New York City. Neither of them have anything to do with theatre. Sure, it will do for the time being. It pays for the rent. It gives me a little extra breathing room at the end of the month. And sure, I was able to squeeze in a one-night only performance singing a few Broadway tunes down at the Duplex piano bar. But I could be a starving artist right now. I could be sleeping on a couch rather than in on a memory-foam mattress in a three bedroom apartment and I could be auditioning every single day rather than working at a health food store or an art studio. I could be doing things that make me happy rather than doing things that help me get by. Where's the balance?

I have to find my balance. My place in the world. My passion. My joy.

My passion is Shakespeare. Theatre. Writing. Music. Language. Creativity.

So in my free time, I'm reading Thinking Shakespeare by Barry Edelstein and Playing Shakespeare by John Barton and attempting to write short stories and attempting to submit for as many auditions as I possibly can via Backstage.com. I don't have an agent and I'm not in an acting company. I ditched the acting studio I was in because the owner asked me to pay him more money than we had initially agreed on. This city isn't so bad, but it's certainly not a snooze-to-get-by town either. You either get out every day and make life happen, or you will become swallowed up in work, subways, and staying up late on facebook in your bedroom just so your brain can decompress from the chaos of the day.

I'm a good actress. I'm not the best or the brightest star, I may not even be the most courageous or the boldest, but I will work every single day to make myself those things because that is what I want.

It's what I want.

Before there was a train..

Booked my flight to New York. I leave August 4th.

Bought my dress for my sister's wedding. Which is in Geneva.

This is all really happening.

Clean

Spent my day off yesterday cleaning my car, my room, my computer, and my skin. I love days like that. Freshhhh!

And today.. today is new.

Every day starts out clean.

It was a, well, you know..one of those days.

Greetings all, one and small, rich and poor, less and more. Riddle me this: what happens when your dream, the one you've had all your life, the one you've eaten, breathed and slept for 21 years, suddenly becomes not as appealing as it used to be? What happens then? When I think of the chain reaction of events that have taken place because of my undying devotion to this dream, it absolutely makes me shudder. What if..just what if..I've been wrong this whole time?

Wouldn't that be a horror? What a waste, she'd say! To have spent her days slaving away in a dark, dank room, with nothing but a script, a mirror and a stained carpet floor, memorizing words and thoughts and actions, in the hopes that one day she'd be good enough to repeat them in front of an audience that included more than just her own reflection? The odds of ever making it are, well, extraordinarily minute. But then, what is making it, she thinks? Does 'making it' mean that I am able to make a comfortable living for myself and my family doing what I love? Well, yes, she thinks. OR does 'making it' simply mean doing it? Trying it? Giving it everything for just a few more years? Yes, I think it means that too, she agrees.

Very well, then, what comes next? Something that looks a little bit like this, I'd imagine:

A leap of faith. Yes, a leap of faith.

Thursday, Thursday, Thursday.

This past week, I've felt like I've lived in Groundhog day. I wake up around generally the same time every morning, roll out of bed, wash my face, brush my teeth, and get dressed. I eat breakfast, and go to work. Over and over and over. Last night, however, I enjoyed some much needed friendly diversions in the form of a wine tasting at the Phoenix Public Market with two wonderful people. On the way down to the market, the weather was so nice I kept the windows down, whilst singing "Summer in Ohio" from the Last Five Years. As I pulled up to a stop light, a car that also had its windows down and had been listening to 'a super poppin' beat' turned off their music, pulled up next to me, and begin applauding and saying, 'youuu go girl!' I bowed, as only you can bow while sitting in a car, by waving my hands quite foppishly and inclining my head to them.

Part of my resolution was to journal more, specifically on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. However, today is Thursday. As I'm sure you are all well aware. Call me an over-achiever.

I think I might be starting a new blog called "Ellyn in the Apple" when I eventually make my move to NYC. Right now the date is pegged (somewhat precariously) around the end of April, 2011. So. I'll be keeping busy in the meantime. I was recently cast as Mercy Lewis in a production of Salem:1692. You can read past reviews of the show here . I have to say, I'm beyond stoked to begin rehearsals for this production. We'll have 24 shows beginning in March (yipes!) at the Soul Invictus theatre in downtown Phoenix. I'm also going to be performing in a cabaret variety show with Reign Productions in February, not sure the venue on that yet but I'll let you know.

Yep, I'll let you know. Whoever you are. :)

Days in the Rain

Thursday. My day off.

A few twirls of the wrist, a sharp downward stab, and my hair is piled on top of my head into a bun, secured by a stray mechanical pencil I found on the counter. Because it is such a wonderfully dreary, rainy day, that means I have to push up the sleeves of my oversize sweater and kick off my shoes before I can snuggle into the couch with a cup of tea. But not before running into the next room to wrap my arms around my always-doing-something-productive mother, peck her cheek with a kiss and offer her a cup of Earl Grey. It is certainly one of those days...

However, if I lived in the following painting, my day might go something like this:

"Dear Diary, 

Well, it is certainly another dreary day here in Paris. The winter chill has really set into my bones, it seems. No matter how many layers of silly clothing I seem to put on, it always seems to bite right through and chill me directly to the core. Fortunately, Mark is going to be arriving momentarily and has offered to take me to the theatre for the afternoon. Of course, the theatre is always dreadfully cold as well so I must be certain to wear my fur-lined wrap or else I shall be very sorry indeed.

Oh, I suppose it's not all that bad. After all, I'm used to the rain in England.. I suppose I imagined Paris would be different somehow; an enchanted, perpetually sunny kingdom where men and women were at liberty to roam about in their underthings because, well, they can. Silly, isn't it?  

But, despite the rain, I am glad to be here - even if it is just for a short holiday.  

Ah! That will be Mark at the door. He is always sickeningly punctual, the dear. Ta for now."




But what if I lived in this picture? What if that little girl was, in fact, me at this very moment? I can imagine my day going somewhat like this:

"Dear Diary,

This morning I woke up and GUESS WHAT! It was RAINING!!! I was so excited I ran downstairs and out the door before I even put any shoes on. Mom came outside though and yelled, "Ellyn Elizabeth you better come back in here and get dressed before you catch cold!" I guess I was a little excited. It's just that, I LOVE rainy days. I love how they smell, I love how it makes my house feel, I love the puddles, but I especially love rainy days because I get to use my pretty umbrella. I love my umbrella. I picked it out myself with my Grammy when she took me shopping for my birthday. I guess she thought it was funny that I picked out an umbrella but I love it. I love it so much. Ok gotta go now! Don't want to miss any more raaaiiin!" 





Well, as it is, I am in Phoenix, Arizona, on a delightfully rainy day. I have no intention of being anything but perfectly content today. I think I'll go pop in a movie. Or three.

Ellyn in the Apple

So, this morning, I woke up in a lovely studio apartment in New York City at 85th and Columbus. My lovely friend Kjirsten Johnson was kind enough to put me up for two weeks as I adventured around the city, seeing shows, auditioning, spending some time with friends and making new ones in an acting class.

The trip was originally only supposed to be for 9 days, but after my audition on Saturday at The Simon Studio, I was cast in their bi-annual production of "Bard at the Bar" - a collage of various Shakespeare scenes, monologues and songs. My boss was gracious enough to allow me to extend my stay in the city, and Kjirsten was kind enough to allow me to intrude on her life for a few more days. She really convinced me more than anyone about what I should do - it's amazing how we can let the comfort of our lives prevent us from taking risks and seizing the opportunities that will set us on the fast-track to the rest of our lives. So I stayed - and did the show. And just about ran out of money (New York will do that to you.) But can I get a hoorah for good friends and supportive families? Hoorah!

I met a lovely girl named Gillian in the show - she moved to the city from Montana just about a year ago and she said I reminded her of herself when she first moved to the city. She was extraordinarily helpful and really encouraged me to just 'make the leap' because living in New York is never going to be easy. (Funny, that's what my dad has been saying for years...) She gave me the name and number of a woman who will be in need of a nanny in January and also the name and number of her apartment broker.

The show. I got really lucky, guys. The show was absolutely fantastic. It was held at the very illustrious and historic "The Players Club" which was the former residence of actor extraordinaire Edwin Booth.

The interior was even more beautiful than the exterior. I believe it was four or five stories high, with wide staircases covered in red carpet and escorted by rich, wooden banisters. The walls were lined with portraits of famous actors (I took my picture next to one Kate Hepburn..) Up in the dining hall, which was a throw-back to the 18th century, the dark wooden walls and creaky hard-wood floors shone warmly under the light of chandeliers. There was an exceptionally large portrait of Edwin Booth in Hamlet garb (which served quite useful in a scene from Hamlet, where the actor playing Hamlet used the portrait to as the portrait of his father in the confrontation scene with Gertrude.)

It was warm and crowded, and we filled the hall with the words and musicality of my favorite playwright. It was rich - sumptuous, a second Thanksgiving feast, really. Although a stage was provided in the room it was scarcely used by the players, we sat with the audience, and simply got up and interacted with them as we performed our scenes, our speeches, our songs. It felt right - like I was performing at the Globe and was playing and interacting with the groundlings. Shakespeare is, after all, an experience.

Yeah, I got really lucky. Phew. Can't wait to do it again.

I was Audrey in a scene from "As You Like It" and my Touchstone was a delightful New Yorker named Frankie B. You know what? I really like hearing Shakespeare in a thick New Yorker accent.

"Come apace, good Oo-ahdge-ry." (that was the best I could sound out the Long Island pronunciation of "Audrey" phonetically."

Sadly, my digital camera is out of commission, so I took all my pictures with a disposable. I'll post pictures as soon as I get them developed, scanned, and uploaded. Ahh technology. I guess you can be useful sometimes ;)

Well friends, it's time for another of my signature abrupt endings. I'm at the Philadelphia airport and I should probably wander over to my gate.

Ta for now. More to come..I promise.. :)